So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
