Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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