i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
