i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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