The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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