I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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