remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
