Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
