Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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