she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
