i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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