people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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