I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
