people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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