wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
