I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
