booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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