There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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