what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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