Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
