went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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