booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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