grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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