I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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