Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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