Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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