So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
