Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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