Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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