You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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