i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
