Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
