She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
