and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
