Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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