There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
