Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
