The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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