I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
