you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
