can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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