Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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