sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
