am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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