good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
