I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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