just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
