I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
