: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
