i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
