I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
