he shaved USA in his pubs
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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