I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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