If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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