he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
