Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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