If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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