I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
