walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I checked into jail on foursquare
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
